This post took me some time to create so thank you for waiting. It's nice to have my friends asking me when my next post will be up :) I'm glad you're enjoying them.
I want to take you back to October of 2014, when I was laying on a table in the O.R. being prepped for knee surgery. As I laid there, a mix of feelings swirled around in my head. I was nervous for sure, but glad to be finding a solution to the pain I'd been experiencing for several weeks. I wondered how bad my knee would hurt when I woke up and how long would it take me to get back to my normal routine. The anesthesiologist reached around to inject something into my I.V. and asked me if I was ready. I nodded and I counted back from ten, nine, eight.....
Thus began a series of events that lead me to race Ironman Galveston a few weeks ago.
I have to back up again, so bear with me.
Last year, my life had become extremely busy, or should I say, I allowed it to get out of hand. I was just reacting and responding poorly to the constant stream of chaos that resulted from our life circumstances. We had recently moved into a new home and were prepping our other home to be put on the market-- packing up one house and unpacking the other. We also moved our oldest daughter into her new house. My job as a self-rescue swim instructor requires some long hours in the pool with about 35-40 children being handed to me throughout the day. I love my job-- I truly do. I couldn't ask for a more perfect career-- But it can be exhausting out in the sun all day dragging wet little bodies through the water. And the kids aren't exactly thrilled to be in the pool with me the first few weeks so they scream and cry, kick, pinch and try to wriggle away. I've likened it to battling baby octopi....
So there I was, working, training, moving house, and feeling extremely overwhelmed and by mid-June I was barely surviving the day without having an internal meltdown. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just deal? I stopped showing up to most of my workouts and I got further and further behind. I was too embarrassed to tell my coach I was falling into a pit of anxiety and failure because that would mean I didn't have my sh#t together and I didn't want to admit that to anyone. Why? Because I didn't feel like I had the right to be unhappy or stressed out. I have a very comfortable life. I don't have to work, I choose to, so who am I to feel this way? I know so many other people dealing with really hard stuff-- illness, death, divorce-- and here I was stressed because my life was overflowing with a high level of activity. I kept telling myself I shouldn't feel this way but that didn't make it go away. Our bodies don't distinguish between this stress or that stress. If your mind is full of negative, stressful thinking and you're anxious, you're going to feel really crappy. You get moody, you may gain or lose weight, you stop doing things you love. You may wish you could dissolve into the floor or sleep all day long or eat too much, drink too much or whatever you're escape mechanism is--anything to avoid the pain. Your mind responds as if your under threat, as if your life is in danger. It doesn't matter if you think you should or shouldn't feel stressed, if you're reacting with fear to the thoughts in your head, your brain will flood your body with cortisol, a stress hormone that screams, "do something!" and if this response becomes chronic, you can become depressed and/or anxious. That's exactly where I was.
My response to the stress was to quit doing my workouts. I decided triathlon was the one activity in my life that was optional because it took time away from the other responsibilities I had looming over my head. Big mistake. I soon learned over the following weeks that triathlon was the one thing that anchored my sanity and defined me as a person. Whether I believed it or not, I was an athlete and the absence of it in my life was physically painful.
It got me thinking, why do I need to tri? Why was it so important to me? What was it about this particularly demanding sport that gave me such relief? I found the answer when I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety during my hiatus from triathlon. I read up on these behaviors so I could understand them. I wanted to see what I could do to tailor my life around these challenges. I found that ADHD is easy to work with as long as you exercise and learn some time management skills. Anxiety is eased by understanding the basic anatomy of the brain and teaching yourself techniques that create healthy thought patterns. I plan to write a post on the specifics of what I discovered but for now, I would recommend a few books that helped me. The first book is called Spark by John J. Ratey, M.D.. It basically explains neuroanatomy in layman's terms and addresses several common disorders and how you can use exercise to counteract them. Hello triathlon training! Another book I read that helped change my negative, fear-based thinking was The User's Guide to the Human Mind by Sean T. Smith PsyD.. I found this book to be essential in reprogramming my mental self-talk. I also read some books about ADHD so I could understand what causes it. Like I said, I will elaborate on this topic in other posts because I think a lot of people struggle with these painful issues and there are answers out there. You just have look.
Back to my knee issue....I went through the recovery process after surgery and decided I was working towards racing Galveston. I wasn't sure if I could do it, but I put it out there. I went to PT 3 or 4 times a week and used the Alter-G treadmill to straighten out the limp in my gait. I built up to walking and then running and then finally to running outside about 8 weeks ago. I finally committed to racing and signed up when it was clear that my running was solid enough to cross the finish line. I instigated a very strict daily schedule and became more diligent with my training. I made consistency my main goal.
I ended up in bed the entire weekend hoping I could rest and let this misery run it's course but soon developed a cough and congestion that kept me up at night. By Monday I was on a Z pack for a sinus infection. I hate taking antibiotics because they mess up my gut but I was getting a little desperate. I not only had a race in five days but my husband was traveling so I had double duty with the kids and I had my job to do. It was coming down to the wire. I didn't even know if I was going to be able to race. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and I felt like I weighed a thousand pounds.
It took three days on the Z pack to start feeling like I could do a workout. I was able to swim by Thursday before the race but I was no where near feeling strong.
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| Puffy eyes, still feeling puny. |
On Friday I emailed my coach and the question was raised as to whether or not I was going to race or not. I really didn't hesitate to answer her. I said yes, of course I want to race. I told her I can't not do it. The way I looked at it, this was just part of my personal development plan. The universe had thrown in another monkey wrench and I wanted to see if I could handle it.
Day before the race, packet pick-up day. I felt O.K. but not great. I woke up at 6:30am to do an easy ride on my bike but another spring thunderstorm was raging outside. I did a quick trainer ride then talked to my coach for race day instructions. I told her I was getting cold feet and starting to doubt my decision to race. I was terrified of a DNF. But coachie said, "you WILL finish so put that out of your mind". Let me tell ya friends, when Hillary Biscay, Ultraman World Champion, multiple Ironman Finisher and Ironman Champion tells you you will finish, you better believe her. And I did. I knew she wouldn't lead me astray. She doesn't mince words and she's always straight with you. I packed up my bike and got my a$$ to Galveston for packet pick-up. Game ON!
Next morning I was up at 3:30am. I'd set everything out the night before and just had to get dressed, grab my nutrition in the fridge and head south to Moody Gardens. We arrived in plenty of time to get a good parking space and then walked to transition to set up. My daughter Amanda always signs up to volunteer so she is free to roam the course, cheer me on during the race and take lots of pics plus she does a very nice job of body marking (I'm picky--I don't like no chicken scratch!). We heard the announcer say the swim was NOT wet suit legal so I had to mentally gear up for a different swim than I'd anticipated. The water was 78 degrees and I wouldn't have the buoyancy of the wetsuit but not to worry. I love an adventure! Coachie told me to go out and enjoy the day and that's exactly what I planned to do. Soon it was time to make my way to the pier for race start. I was a little nervous but happy to be in the first wave of swimmers after the pros. That meant I didn't have to wait around. I could just GO.
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| I made my way over to the pier and lined up with the purple caps. I chatted with some of the ladies and watched the pros warm up. We were told to jump in the water right when the pros started. Before we knew it, the cannon went off and the pros sprinted through the water. We all started jumping in feet first to swim over to the start buoys. I LOVE jumping off the pier into the bay. It's so exciting! We treaded water for about 5 minutes and then we were off! The water was comfortable and the ladies in my age group were all very calm about the start. I found some feet pretty quickly and hung on. Hardly any chop until mid-way and even then it wasn't bad. The wave of twenty-something men passed by us but I held tight to the purple caps in my age group. Before I knew it, I had rounded the last buoy and was headed towards the shore. I picked up my speed a bit and swam up next to a volunteer standing knee deep helping people climb out of the water. I grabbed his hand and stepped onto the pier, pulled off my goggles and cap and ran to transition. |
I think my transition was a little over 3 minutes. I was just three rows from the Bike Out so it didn't take me long.
I walked over the start line and mounted my bike for the 56 mile ride.
I went through a series of turns out of Moody Gardens and then through a neighborhood to the main road that runs along the Seawall. There wasn't a wisp of wind heading east along the coast and I was so grateful to be out there, on my bike, doing something I love. I wasn't worried about speed, I just knew I was supposed to keep it "comfortably uncomfortable" for the duration of the ride. I'd missed a solid seven days of training leading up to the race so the goal was to finish as strong as I could. It wasn't long before I made the turn around and crossed over a timing wire that sent data to the people following me on Ironman live. It's so nice to know that you're not really out there on your own. You have people tracking you on their computers, cheering you on virtually. I certainly felt the energy while I was out there. I was thinking of my husband, friends and facebook family. I knew my coach was tracking not only me but my teammate, Mary Knott as well. Good vibes were sent and received.
Around mile 35 or 40 it started to rain. My bike had been making some weird squeaking noises that became worse on the wet roads. I wondered if my brakes were rubbing but I didn't want to get off and check. Later, I found out that my Zipp wheels had been installed incorrectly and were rubbing against my bike frame. No wonder it felt so hard to keep my speed up. It did seem odd that I was riding so slow on such a perfect day. I should've been cruising along at a pretty good clip but it wasn't meant to be. C'est la vie-- I made it back, safe and sound, dismounted and ran over to my transition area. I purposely took my time racking my bike and getting my shoes on for the run. My legs were heavy and tired from the ride and I knew I had 13.1 miles to cover. A total of 5 minutes had ticked off from the time I'd entered transition to my exit out to the run course.
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| I was smiling but my legs were not happy! |
The run is the most challenging of the three disciplines for me. In middle school and high school I was on the track team. I could run fast for short distances and usually won my heats but long distances were not my thing. I cringed when the coach told me to race the mile (the MILE!! omg!). I wasn't really into the pain and I didn't see the point since sprints were soooo much more fun. But now, I want to be a distance runner. I've chosen to be an endurance athlete and with that comes the concept of embracing the pain, not avoiding it. I recently listened to an interview with Casey Neistat on the Rich Roll Podcast (if you haven't discovered Rich Roll, you are missing out on something AMAZING). Casey said something that I completely agree with-- he said, "It's always the struggles that define you in life.....it's the hardest times that make you who you are". Triathlon presents you with opportunities to "grow through struggle" every single time you show up to a workout you don't feel like doing or to a race that holds your future goals in it's grasp. You have to learn to adapt, dig deep, push through, persist and rally when your mind is vehemently demanding that you quit. You learn to seek out the hard stuff in life because you've likely experienced that state of "suck" on the bike or in a race and found that THAT is actually where all the magic happens. By acting in the face of fear and self-doubt, a transformation occurs within you. You come away stronger, braver and better than you were when you started. That's what I'm chasing every single day, during every single workout. I want the MAGIC. And that is exactly what was in my head when I left transition for the run.
The run did not disappoint. It is a three loop course so I knew each loop was about 4 1/2 miles. I had my Garmin strapped to my wrist so I could keep track of my pace and distance. By mile six I was starting to slow down and then a new level of pain set in by mile 8. My pace was around eleven minutes and getting slower. I felt like I was in agony from the waist down. Everything hurt. I wanted to stop. I had addressed this very situation with coach Hillary the day before. I knew that when these thoughts came, I would tell myself that this was part of the experience--thoughts of the pain, thoughts that said I needed to stop. Just because I had these thoughts didn't mean I had to obey them. At one point I walked about five steps and realized that it hurt more to slow down than to keep running so I picked back up to my ridiculous little shuffle of a "run", plodding along like a tired horse. I didn't want my run to be like this. I had trained six months to get to this point and I wanted the run to better than "just getting through it". My knee was fine, a little stiff and achy but holding up very well and yes, I had the excuse that I'd been really sick leading up to the race but I did not want to use an excuse. That is not who I am. Nevertheless, there I was, hobbling through the course like an old lady. That's when I realized something. I was in pain, yes, but I wasn't breathing hard. That meant that I had some reserves available to me that my mind was masking with all of it's whining and complaining. That meant there was still more I could give. So I just started running-- like really running.
All of a sudden I was Forrest Freaking Gump, runnin' like the wind blows!
Well, maybe not THAT fast, but it felt a heck of a lot faster than what I'd been doing. I started passing people and felt the wind in my face. My body absorbed the pace without any resistance. I kept thinking I wish I would've figured this out sooner! I kept pushing the pace and my body kept giving me the energy to do it. I rounded the boardwalk area that looks out over Galveston Bay where we'd swam the 1.2 miles earlier that morning and thought, "WOW, I'm running the last two miles of a half ironman! This is AWESOME."
All of a sudden a perky little brunette jumped around to my right side and said, "I've been looking for you all day long!!". I couldn't have been more excited to see my teammate, Dawn--fearless, amazing, incredible Kona Dawn. She was full of energy and asking me how I felt. I immediately pulled in her enthusiasm and told her I thought I was gonna do this-- I wanted to finish strong. She said something like, "Can you go faster? I bet you can!!" and I said "okay" just like Forrest Gump, and she started to run even faster and so did I and it felt fantastic and awful all at the same time but I didn't care because I was RUN-NING!!!!! "Come ON!!! Go, GO, GO!!!!" she shouted and gave me her signature butt slap. Absolutely, hands down, THE BEST PART OF MY DAY.
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| Dawn running barefoot next to me, getting me all fired up for the Finish. |
| I continued to hold the elevated pace Dawn had pulled out of me, proof that there was still more in the tank than my brain wanted me to believe, and I rounded the bend towards the fork that either sends you on another loop or leads you to the finish chute. I gave every last ounce I had running to the finish line. I heard the announcer call my name and I raised my arms in the air and looked skyward. |
Magic.
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| What a feelin'! The noise of the crowd, the music, the announcer, the volunteer taking my timing chip. The medal around my neck, the other volunteer asking me if I was ok. I couldn't form a word. My mouth wouldn't work. My legs didn't work very well either and she quickly told me to lean on her. Thank goodness she saw I wasn't quite right because I would've ended up on the ground. I had no idea that my body was that depleted. I was admitted to the med tent and given a chair. An assistant handed me some nasty liquid stuff and told me to drink it all. Eeeewwww!! Whatever it was, it worked and I was released within ten minutes or so. I found my daughter and shuffled over to the food tent and although I normally avoid eating animal products, I grabbed three slices of pepperoni pizza and started chowin' down. I saw Dawn and we chatted about the race and she shared some wonderful gems from her vast store of experience. We hugged and I decided it was time to call it a day. And what a day it was. My official time on the course: 6:33:57 I couldn't have done it without Valeo Physical Therapy and their incredible staff. Paul and Amanda helped ease my pain after knee surgery and fully supported my goal to make it to Galveston. Tony, my TRX trainer, strengthened my body and watched over me during my Alter-G runs. His fist pumps during my long run days were priceless. Most of all, and with deepest gratitude and respect, I want to thank my coach and mentor, Hillary Biscay for helping me earn my wings.  |
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